Archives For marriage

mistakes_blog

MAKE MORE MISTAKES

“The wisest man/woman in the room is the one who’s made the most mistakes. We all make mistakes, no one is perfect, but if you don’t learn from those mistakes, then that’s all they are . . Mistakes.”

I can’t take full credit for the quote above, as its a mixture of something I heard somewhere else with the addition of my own thoughts in the second sentence, but the truth in this little statement is so huge and powerful.  Life is full of successes, but filled with even more mistakes.  In fact, I think that it can be said with much certainty that very rarely will you have success without making a few mistakes.

So what is a mistake?  Can we define it as an accident?  A failure?  Using poor judgment or making “bad” decisions?  I think it’s all of those things and more.  Our mistakes can probably be classified as anything and everything in our life that has brought about hurt, pain, suffering, disappointment, heart ache, frustration, and even sadness.  Many of you can relate, you’re either going through a “mistake” right now or struggling to ensure that you don’t make one.  It’s part of daily life and yes, making mistakes sucks.

I remember going through a divorce about 6 years ago and feeling like such a failure.  I had been married 12 years and with that person for over 18 yrs.  That’s half of my life!  Regardless of the reasons for the divorce, I did love that person whole heartedly and I fought for the marriage as long as I could so I have no regrets.  It’s not something that either of us ever wanted, but it happened, and was definitely a failure and disappointment, not to mention a very sad part of both of our lives.  But with that said, I can sit here and type this all out and say that I am much wiser after going through that, and as a “mistake” in my life it provided experiences that I felt I learned from and I worked to apply what I learned in the next relationship.  Unfortunately the next relationship had it’s own share of struggles and after having that person abandon the relationship, I found myself alone for the first time in my adult life with lots of time to reflect on mistakes, lessons learned, and all the time in the world to work on myself.

EMBRACE YOUR MISTAKES

Does a “mistake” like a failed marriage or relationship make me want to be on guard with my heart or love less?  I’m definitely guarded, but my failures make me want to love even more and cause me to want to give the next person more love than others in the past.  I have a lot of love to give away regardless and when i love I love with all of my heart.

The same goes for other areas in my life such as business.  I can’t tell you how many mistakes I’ve made over the years doing business or at least trying to.  I’ve lost so much money in the past on ventures that I later felt were a waste of time and energy, but I learned from them.  Some lessons learned took longer than others, but I’m wiser from them none the less.  I remember hosting BMX Flatland events from 1999 – 2006 in an effort to push an apparel brand as well as help promote the sport.  I did it out of love for BMX but I wasn’t a smart business man and I lost money every year.  Flatland is a small part of BMX and there isn’t enough involvement to help sustain these types of events, so 2006 was the last event for the Elevation Flatland series.  I get asked all the time to host another series or flatland event but with the help of my good friend Cisco, I’ve taken what I learned from that time and turned it into one of the largest outdoor bicycle festivals in Houston called the HTX Bike Fest which celebrates it’s 5th year this September 2016.

ALLOW YOURSELF AND OTHERS TO MAKE MISTAKES

Making mistakes is a fact of life.  If you’re in a relationship, you and your partner both are going to mess up and it’s important to give each other room to do so.  Some “mess ups” will be “bigger” than others but the both of you need to give one another room to mess up, over and over again.  I don’t know where this ability to forgive comes from but in my past two relationships, one being my marriage, I was put in positions to have to forgive many many times.  I could have given up and walked away but I loved the people I was with and I wanted to give each forgiveness that I too would need at some point.  No couple is able to celebrate 10, 20, or even 50 years of marriage without having made 1,000’s of mistakes along the way.

So if you’ve had many failures, made many mistakes, and are even in the middle of the hurt or disappointment, know that you are a wiser person because of it all.  Learn from these mistakes and do something different because of your new wisdom.  Don’t ever give up on yourself or on others.  If we could all understand that every single one of us is an imperfect human being and that we’re going to make mistakes, there would be a lot more forgiveness in the world.

If you don’t allow your mistakes to produce change inside of your mind and heart, then all you will ever be able to say is that you made a mistake, and that in itself is a big mistake.

Make more mistakes, but not on purpose.

@hectorgarciahtx

marriage

Right now i’m sitting in a small restaurant / bar / pub (i think) and I’m sitting alone, only because my lunch meeting had to reschedule.  So of course, I have my handy little companion called my laptop sitting in the truck, and it makes up for the missing person, kinda, but not really.

So here I am, eating a great bbq bacon burger and fries and chillin to some decent music.  The rain outside and the ambiance within this semi cozy / dark place makes it perfect for a little bit of writing.  And I’m always ready to write, especially since my tiny little brain never stops and always has something to say.

What I want to share today has to do with relationships and more specific, marriage.  By the way, I’m married, and have been for almost 13 years.  You learn a lot about a person in 13 years, 18 if you count how long we’ve known each other.  But one thing you never really learn is how to handle conflict or crisis.  And this is mainly because every crisis or problem is different.  Add to this the fact that no two people are ever at the same places in life or at the same place and mindset that they were during the last conflict you had to deal with.  Conflict sucks but it’s part of life and definitely part of relationships. How we handle conflict is the key though and here are 3 things that I do know need to happen during times of conflict if two people hope to get through it together.

ONE. It’s important for any couple, married or not, to look at the relationship as two people on the same team.  If you view each other as team mates, playing for the same team, then anytime there’s a conflict or crisis, it will hopefully be natural to look at the problem as an outside force, working against both of you, not both of you working against one another.  This also helps keep two people from pointing the finger at one another.  Placing blame sucks and it’s usually the biggest hurdle to overcome during conflict, especially if you feel the other person “did you wrong”.  Working as a team changes the perspective, even if there is a “victim” and it allows both people to ask the question “How do WE get through this?”, rather than either person asking how THEY will get through it on their own.

TWO. You hear all the time that communication is the key to any relationship.  Well, after being married for only 13 years, I can say that this really is the number one key.  If two people can’t communicate effectively, it will be very difficult to settle anything or come to any kind of resolution during conflict.  A good example of this would be where one person is the one who speaks up all the time, and the other “shuts down” because they don’t like dealing with conflict.  Sometimes there’s a partner who doesn’t really know how to deal with conflict so they prefer to say nothing at all and have a difficult time expressing themselves.  Whatever the case, two people can find a way to communicate effectively and those lines of communication should always be open and taken advantage of.  We’re all human and no one on this earth is a mind reader, so please don’t expect your partner to read yours.  It’s very simple.  Both people should work to always provide a safe haven of communication and both should simply say what’s on their heart and mind.  Always be honest with your feelings and don’t hold anything back.

THREE. Couples should never, ever choose to handle “major” conflict on their own.  Most stuff of course can be dealt with between two people, but when the conflict clearly becomes greater than the two, both should agree that the right thing to do would be to bring someone in as a mediator.  A mediator helps in so many ways.  They can help two people see more clearly and give an outside perspective.  If there’s a lot of arguing and an inability to communicate effectively, a good mediator helps direct the conversation in the right direction and can help remove any obstacles that might be the culprit for the poor communication.  The simple fact that two people would try to handle a major crisis on their own is a clear sign that they should get some outside help.  Sometimes we have close friends that would serve as great mediators, but it would be wise to get an expert or skilled mediator involved at some point.

Relationships take a lot of work.  The key, I believe, to any successful relationship, is for both people to put the other first and serve the other person.  If you have two people that are working to put the other before themselves, you can’t lose.  Out-give your partner.  Out-love them.  Out-cherish them.  Out-serve them.  Live like this and you’ll be out-smarting the many things that work to destroy most relationships and marriages.

(Note:  This was started yesterday.  After I left the restaurant, I walked out the door, slipped on wet decking wood, and crushed my laptop.  I know, it was fun.)

– @hectorgarcia