Right now i’m sitting in a small restaurant / bar / pub (i think) and I’m sitting alone, only because my lunch meeting had to reschedule.  So of course, I have my handy little companion called my laptop sitting in the truck, and it makes up for the missing person, kinda, but not really.

So here I am, eating a great bbq bacon burger and fries and chillin to some decent music.  The rain outside and the ambiance within this semi cozy / dark place makes it perfect for a little bit of writing.  And I’m always ready to write, especially since my tiny little brain never stops and always has something to say.

What I want to share today has to do with relationships and more specific, marriage.  By the way, I’m married, and have been for almost 13 years.  You learn a lot about a person in 13 years, 18 if you count how long we’ve known each other.  But one thing you never really learn is how to handle conflict or crisis.  And this is mainly because every crisis or problem is different.  Add to this the fact that no two people are ever at the same places in life or at the same place and mindset that they were during the last conflict you had to deal with.  Conflict sucks but it’s part of life and definitely part of relationships. How we handle conflict is the key though and here are 3 things that I do know need to happen during times of conflict if two people hope to get through it together.

ONE. It’s important for any couple, married or not, to look at the relationship as two people on the same team.  If you view each other as team mates, playing for the same team, then anytime there’s a conflict or crisis, it will hopefully be natural to look at the problem as an outside force, working against both of you, not both of you working against one another.  This also helps keep two people from pointing the finger at one another.  Placing blame sucks and it’s usually the biggest hurdle to overcome during conflict, especially if you feel the other person “did you wrong”.  Working as a team changes the perspective, even if there is a “victim” and it allows both people to ask the question “How do WE get through this?”, rather than either person asking how THEY will get through it on their own.

TWO. You hear all the time that communication is the key to any relationship.  Well, after being married for only 13 years, I can say that this really is the number one key.  If two people can’t communicate effectively, it will be very difficult to settle anything or come to any kind of resolution during conflict.  A good example of this would be where one person is the one who speaks up all the time, and the other “shuts down” because they don’t like dealing with conflict.  Sometimes there’s a partner who doesn’t really know how to deal with conflict so they prefer to say nothing at all and have a difficult time expressing themselves.  Whatever the case, two people can find a way to communicate effectively and those lines of communication should always be open and taken advantage of.  We’re all human and no one on this earth is a mind reader, so please don’t expect your partner to read yours.  It’s very simple.  Both people should work to always provide a safe haven of communication and both should simply say what’s on their heart and mind.  Always be honest with your feelings and don’t hold anything back.

THREE. Couples should never, ever choose to handle “major” conflict on their own.  Most stuff of course can be dealt with between two people, but when the conflict clearly becomes greater than the two, both should agree that the right thing to do would be to bring someone in as a mediator.  A mediator helps in so many ways.  They can help two people see more clearly and give an outside perspective.  If there’s a lot of arguing and an inability to communicate effectively, a good mediator helps direct the conversation in the right direction and can help remove any obstacles that might be the culprit for the poor communication.  The simple fact that two people would try to handle a major crisis on their own is a clear sign that they should get some outside help.  Sometimes we have close friends that would serve as great mediators, but it would be wise to get an expert or skilled mediator involved at some point.

Relationships take a lot of work.  The key, I believe, to any successful relationship, is for both people to put the other first and serve the other person.  If you have two people that are working to put the other before themselves, you can’t lose.  Out-give your partner.  Out-love them.  Out-cherish them.  Out-serve them.  Live like this and you’ll be out-smarting the many things that work to destroy most relationships and marriages.

(Note:  This was started yesterday.  After I left the restaurant, I walked out the door, slipped on wet decking wood, and crushed my laptop.  I know, it was fun.)

- @hectorgarcia

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A conversation with a friend of mine earlier tonight brought to memory my dad, Jesse Garcia, who died when I was 10 years old.  Cancer was the guilty party and this happened in the Summer of 1983, June 19th to be exact.  It’ll be 27 years this June since he left us, and sometimes it really does feel like only yesterday that I was hanging out with the best, toughest, smartest man in the world.

Of course, at age 10, every dad is the smartest, toughest, most powerful man around, but my dad truly was a great man.  I have nothing but good memories about him and every time I hang out with my 70 year old mother, I drill her with questions about him that give me just a little bit more insight on who my dad really was.  Even though I was 10 when he passed away, i was still too young to retain solid memories.  There is a lot that is somewhat vague, which makes those conversations with my mom so valuable.

Like tonight, I sat with my mom for a couple of hours and learned about the initial diagnosis of his cancer.  I learned about how much pain my father had to endure and how strong my mom had to be for him.  I learned a little about what he wished for all of his sons and daughters and I witnessed a love that my mom still has for my dad even after being gone all these years.

So yeah, I have no problem expressing the sadness I sometimes feel when I recall not growing up with a father.  I can remember certain instances in life where having my dad by my side would have been awesome.  I remember being nominated for something in high school, and while all of the other students had their mom and dad waiting in line with them to go out on the football field, i stood there with only my mom.  I envied the others who had their dad standing there with them and I remember looking at my mom, trying to hold back my slightly tear filled eyes from leaking, and saying “Man, it sure would have been nice to have dad standing here with us right now, right mom?”.

When I see a father and son out in public and it’s evident that they’re not close, I sometimes want to go over and slap both of them in the back of the neck and tell them to snap out of it.  When I see a dad hanging out with his son(s) and enjoying his time with them and vise versa, I sometimes want to go over and shake his hand while letting his kids know how lucky they are.

I understand that not every family situation is perfect and there are probably some very good reasons why some people don’t grow up being close to their mom and dads.  I also know that certain situations take place later in life that put a wedge between us and our parents.  But whatever the case may be, I would give anything to be the 37 year old man that I am right now and have my dad in my life.  I would cherish and value every day that I could have with him and not take any of my time with him for granted.  I would still want to learn from him and simply be content with having someone in my life that I could call “dad”.

So whatever your case may be, and wherever you are in your relationship with your “dad” or father, I encourage you to do something different today.  Make a shift.  Step out and do something for him that you haven’t done for him in a long time.  Be the kid that he remembers you as and hug the crap out of him the next time you see him.  Buy him something that speaks volumes to the man.  Encourage him today.  Love him today.  And if you have to, forgive him today if he needs to be forgiven.  You don’t have to wait until father’s day to honor him and let him know that you were thinking about him.  Everyday can be father’s day.  Everyday.

- Hector

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